Faith, Letters and Shattered Dreams

Sunday was simply a beautiful day. It was in the mid 70’s, a bright full sun, and it was the first weekend that had lawn mowers out in force. Since it was so nice outside, I asked my wife Lynn if she wanted to go rollerblading in the park. Rollerblading is something we hadn’t done yet this year, and something, well, that we haven’t done for quite some time. Why? Normally on days such as this it's time to get the leashes out, load up the car, and take our dogs to the park. Not today.

Once we got to the park I laced up my skates in all of 30 seconds. Lynn? Not so much. When Lynn was finally ready she looked like a Goalie for the Boston Bruins. Knee pads? Check. Elbow pads? Check. Hand guards? Check. When I asked Lynn where her helmet was she snapped, "Helmet? Why would I possibly need a helmet?" Silly me. If Lynn had fallen at our brisk speed of 4 MPH, the only thing she would have bruised would have been her ego. 

After a wonderful time rollerblading I suggested we drive up to the lake and eat lunch outside at a small restaurant we like. We got there just in time as there was only one table left and it had Lynn’s name all over it. Certainly not a day of the Rock Star magnitude but we thoroughly enjoyed spending time with each other, and we didn’t feel “too guilty” for leaving the dogs home on such a nice day.  

Throughout the day, as I was making sure Lynn didn’t hit any rocks with her rollerblades, or wasn’t going too fast before a turn, or as I was holding her hand as bicycles and Big-Wheels motored toward us, I kept thinking about a letter I received in the mail the day before. A letter from "Mary." A letter that would open old wounds that had long since healed, a letter that would stop me dead in tracks, and most of all, a letter that moved me so much that I needed time alone to reflect on what the letter meant, not just for me ... but for "so many" others.

Why did this letter, amongst the countless others that I received over the last 15 months stand out? Like most letters, Mary's was completely unexpected, but there was one vast difference. Mary wrote her letter six months "after" I was released from my job as Administrator for Indianapolis Animal Care & Control. Six months! Mary's letter didn’t touch me more than the other letters I've received. The unexpected nature that I received it, along with when I received it, and why it was written most surely did.

Over the last 6 months and well before then, I've received a fair share of letters and emails (100% positive). Some folks would call or text message me, while others asked us to come over and visit now and then.  There were some people in the community who went out of their way, or so it seemed, to make sure that Lynn and I were OK. In fact one supporter, who today I can call a great friend, called me out of the blue last week and asked us over for a cookout.

To receive a two-page letter 6 months after being let go, from someone I had never met or never spoken with? Incredible! This was not only unexpected but also very welcome ... and not just for me. When my wife read Mary's letter, it brought tears to her eyes and as she likes to say, made her “sappy.” Then again, a few weeks ago I said to Lynn, “Honey, your face looks really nice tonight,” which also brought her to tears so it doesn't take much to make Lynn cry.

Seriously, Mary's letter got me thinking of several things, but mainly, I thought of the people who openly supported me in so many ways, and the folks like Mary, who I never met, but that I may have touched ever so slightly in a good way ... but first, Mary’s letter:

April 6, 2010

To Doug Rae,

Consider this fan mail. I wish that I’d run into you somewhere to thank you in person, but that is unlikely. We have never met, but I watched every ACC [Animal Care & Control] Board meeting that was telecast while you were working there. I even watched the televised meetings the year prior to your arrival. I was very interested and glad when they broadcast the meeting that announced your hiring, as they explained their reasons for selecting you. My husband and I were very glad when you came.

We absorbed everything in the media & by observation that we could about changes you were bringing to the facility and to Indianapolis. We talked among ourselves that you had the leadership qualities for the job. We also knew that there would be those who had real problems with you. You were a lightning rod. You were placed in a position that you couldn’t win. No one could defeat what had been entrenched and protected at ACC. Some of the unions an d animal groups will never be team players. They want only what is best for themselves.

Mary then describes her dealings with IACC before my arrival, but the incidents that Mary's family went through, though sad and uncalled for from IACC staff, are not for this post. Mary goes on to say:

My reason for watching the board meetings on TV was that I was seeking a place to volunteer. I wanted to know the environment from a personal point of view. All of these observations and experiences, prior to your arrival, kept me from volunteering as a weekly dog walker with ACC.  I ended up at HSI [Humane Society of Indianapolis] instead (a shorter drive). Later when you were hired, we saw leadership qualities that made us think we’d want to be regular volunteers for the first time. I was in a job transition and I even considered employment at ACC.

I guess that you can be bluntly direct to people. I consider that a necessary quality for anyone who sets out to improve things. However, it is almost never understood or appreciated. You are a catalytic leader. People in status quo can never appreciate that, and will fight you in self-defense. Too bad, you are exactly what Indianapolis needed.

My heart goes out to your family. I can not imagine uprooting family to come this far to have it all unravel. What a sacrifice it must have been. [My friend] says you are still in the Indy area. Out of respect for your privacy, I’m sending this through her instead of your address.

My career and volunteer search led me to my new career as a dog walker / dog sitter in the area that I live. I have no idea what goes on these days at ACC. I lost interest when my city decided to let you go. I don’t even think the board meetings are telecast anymore. But my volunteer consideration there has ended.

You are a catalyst. Thank you for being you. Catalysts have a desire to make things “right”. They can make the tough calls. I hope that you appreciate the unique leadership qualities that God has given you, even though it doesn’t always end up with happy feelings.

Mary (an Indianapolis resident)
_____________________________________

Since being released as Administrator of Indianapolis Animal Care & Control 6 months ago, I have not said a word publically about my dismissal. Not one word. Investigative reporters and others (locally, and even nationally) wanted my "story" or at the very least – wanted a comment. My supporters urged me to hold a press conference, to speak my peace, to return calls from the media that they received, and to come out against the city.  A coalition of supporters even offered to pay all associated legal costs for us if I would bring suit against the city. I remained quiet, said nothing, and did little more.

No doubt people viewed my silence and inaction as "guilty as charged" – it was anything but. For those who knew Doug Rae, they knew what really happened in the days and weeks before my being released. In fact, they knew the intricate details and the politicking all too well and helplessly watched which was even more disappointing for them.

Though many people, my wife chief among them, wanted me to speak out, I simply believed that it was in my family's best interest to remain quiet, find peace within myself, work on stability in my family life, and lean heavily on my faith.

Saying anything back then would have been from my head, not my heart. For those of you who know me, you know that I speak straight from my heart, and regrettably, my heart was not in the right place to speak about anything, especially on the 6pm news. I simply can't imagine anything constructive would have come from me saying anything the day I was fired, or in the days after. Nothing would have changed. 

So why talk today? Why say something, say anything, six months later?

Well, I sincerely hope that my biggest supporters, including Board members, countless members of the community, and those who fought so hard to get me to this city and to keep me here, do not take this personal – but I write today because of "Mary." Because of how Mary’s letter touched me, and yes, touched my wife. Seeing Lynn cry after reading Mary's letter wasn’t "just about the letter" she just read – it was so much more, and for Lynn, as for me, and for so many others, the wound of a lost opportunity and unnecessary heartache was just as fresh today as it was 6 months ago.

Mary could be standing in front of me at the checkout and I'd never know it unless she introduced herself to me. She may never write to me again. She may never again utter the words, "Doug Rae" to her friends. She may never do many things; but the saddest thing that Mary and her husband may never do is none of the above. It's that Mary (and her husband) may never volunteer at their local animal shelter again. They may never make one cat or one dog feel special; even it’s only for an hour. How sad, but completely understandable considering the circumstances.

For people looking for a place to volunteer their time, and then choosing to volunteer for the same agency that caused their family so much anguish, and then abandoning their volunteer support after losing faith again, not only in the agency, but also in her city, well, that's a lot to swallow. It's similar to the person struggling with the decision to visit an animal shelter for the very first time looking to adopt, only to arrive at the shelter and be treated poorly by staff, as the customer walks out with no animal vowing never to return to another animal shelter, EVER.

How many other Mary's are in this city, in your city, in your state, across the country?  I'm willing to bet there are several hundred, maybe several thousand, probably several more. You know the kind. People like Mary who want to see a change, can taste the change, maybe even was a small part of the change, only to see it vaporize as quickly as an ice cube on a hot summer day.

In his bestselling book, 'Who Moved My Cheese,' Spencer Johnson says, "The quicker you let go of old cheese, the sooner you find new cheese." Mary, and hundreds of thousands of people visiting an animal shelter for the first time clearly let go of their old 'cheese' to try something new, but I have to believe that the new cheese is not always that tasty. What a shame, especially for an industry that desperately needs to "market our product better" to pull an additional 3% from the breeders and pet stores to stop killing millions of shelter animals every year. Losing even one customer is awfully costly.

Last week I received an email from someone I had met only once since coming to Indy, and for the sake of this post, cleaned up one word, "…I hope you are doing well and I apologize and am embarrassed by the deplorable treatment you received during your tenure at IACC.  In less polite words, they are small-minded fools and they [aren’t nice].  So there!  Be well Doug and take care."

The same woman would write back a few days later: "You still have lots of supporters, and people talk about you in a positive way to this day.  The more ethical and enlightened people in the animal rescue/shelter world think the world of you that I’m sure of. Sorry about my "small minded" comments.  I just got so angry with this IACC mess."

Talking about myself, as I am here, makes me eerily uncomfortable. I’m the first to stand up and take responsibility for my own actions and that of the agency, and for that I am proud for what I stand for, and grateful for the values my parents instilled in me at a very young age. Personal accountability and integrity are important to me, but shining a light on myself or patting myself on the back is not. Those who know me, or watched my public meetings in Indianapolis, know this to be true. I feel like I am doing just that today – shining an unnecessary light on myself and advancing my own agenda, which maybe is another reason why I remained quiet after getting fired. It’s just not who I am.

This post is not about me, nor is it about promoting my agenda. It's about much more.

It's about how so many people were so excited when we first kicked this season off, and how disappointed that, together, we are not going to finish what we started. When it comes right down to it, and as Director Newman (the man who hired and supported me), said just before he resigned, it's about how we had just "turned the corner" and were on our way, and the regret that we were so close…. yet oh so far away.

Today I write for the countless supporters that I knew of, for my staff and dedicated volunteer core that wanted change and didn't get it, for those supporters in the community like Mary that I never had the pleasure of meeting, for the young lady who is "…embarrassed by the deplorable treatment [I] received …", and if for no other reason, than to personally thank you all for what you did for me, and of course, for the hundreds of animals at the shelter and in foster care.

It's also for CJ, a man in his 70's sitting on a bench in a store, who gave me a simple "thumbs up" as I walked past him, and who would say, "…my wife and I are on your side. Bless you young man for all you do."

It's for the more than 350 people who signed a petition or helped distribute that petition to keep me in my position.

It's for my employees that taped a sign on my office door (3 days before I was let go) that said, "We Love You Doug! --The Staff." 

It's for my Kennel Manager, my Customer Service Manager, my Community Programs Manager and my Full Time Dog Evaluator who longed to be part of the greater vision, to be part of a change they had wanted for years as Indianapolis residents, and who were ready for the challenge in front of them. But regrettably, were systematically fired one by one immediately after I was let go, to no fault of their own, other than Doug Rae hired them.


It's for my two adoption counselors who watched helplessly as the Union worked hard to eliminate their positions that I had created, and who succeeded in doing so once I was removed. 

It's for the residents who stood in long lines (that wrapped around the shelter) for "hours upon hours, some to 10pm," just to adopt one of the “150” dogs and cats that would eventually be adopted on the 4^th of July last year, and who opened up more than 60 cages for us during a critical time of the year.

It's for Michael and Erin from the "Friends of Indianapolis Animal Care and Control" who led the charge in ensuring that their group donated $20,000 for two isolation wards for sick animals, simply because I asked for it, and because they both firmly believed in what we were doing for the animals.

It's for another group of supporters that donated $10,000 so 30 additional cats could be placed up for adoption each and every day rather than be killed. Again, simply because I asked, and because they believed in what we were doing at IACC.

It's for the Board member who wrote me saying, "I am truly sorry and regret that our city is losing such a strong and passionate leader. Unfortunately, some in Indianapolis need more time to sort things out and arrive at the self-evident realization that if they spent their time helping the shelter and stopped the political games, the unnecessary suffering of the animals would come to an end. It was a very sad day for many in Indianapolis when the politics ruled the day and you were removed to no fault of your own."

It's for Cathy, who wrote to Mayor Ballard after a very positive experience at IACC, "…I wanted to congratulate you on the appointment of Doug Rae to head Animal Care & Control. It is very heartening that someone is willing to take on the enormous and overwhelming task of turning the operations of the shelter into a positive, caring facility rather than a dumping ground for unwanted animals whose final destination is a dump or incinerator."

It's for people like Jean who live outside of the Indianapolis community that wrote, "Thank you for the hard work that you do. I read an article about what you are doing in Indianapolis and it made me wish I lived there."

It's for another Board member who wrote that I brought to Indianapolis, "…a passion and commitment that was sorely needed and much welcomed in our city. Your enthusiasm reflected the required sprit to reform the agency and to be one that was accountable to the animals. Your especially refreshing and candid honesty is quite unusual and is an essential in the challenging arena of animal welfare…..You have been the first Administrator to bring hope to the animals at the city shelter, and to the vast majority of the community."

It's for David from Hamilton County who wrote, "Welcome to the Hoosier state!"

It's for MaryBeth who wrote, "…but again I want you to know that this is one person who is very glad we finally have someone in charge who truly cares about the animals."


It's for GR who wrote, “Dear Doug. Please don’t let all the unfair attacks deter you. Please achieve what you came here to do!”

It's for Joan who recently moved away from Indianapolis and shared this through email shortly after arriving at her new home, "…and I apologize on behalf of the narrow-minded agenda-ridden idiots who screwed you over at the ACC. Our loss." 

It's for the folks who gave up their lunch hour, and then some, to be part of a "Keep Doug Rae" rally held at Monument Circle (the center of Indianapolis).

It's for an Indianapolis rescue partner who wrote: "A great many people in Indianapolis were devastated by the political decision to replace you as the Indianapolis Animal Care & Control Administrator. But even in the devastation, we have a hope we didn't have before. We have an example of how the shelter should have run. We have seen that a single courageous person can make an enormous difference. We see that we can – and must – continue to do what you started too eventually make Indianapolis a city that we can be proud of."

It's even for the Editor of the Indy Star, a local newspaper, who wrote the morning after I was fired,

"Yet [Rae] energetically took on the foremost problem he inherited, bringing efficiency and decency to a shelter operation that was nothing short of a cruel, scandalous mess under his politically appointed predecessors. He did it while increasing adoptions, decreasing euthanasia, increasing responses to stray dog calls and -- answering the main concern of his critics -- presiding over a period of reduced dog bite reports. Animal lovers backed him, if not unanimously, then certainly fervently. How does this amount to what Acting Public Safety Director Mark Renner calls failure?"

It's for so many more people that I haven't named or, like Mary, that I never met. And lastly, it's for Susan…..

With 4 television cameras staring at me after a Board meeting last August, my final Board meeting where I would have an opportunity to address the City of Indianapolis, a reporter asked, "Doug. How can you put up with all that has been thrown at you? How are you still smiling?" I replied, "The Lord doesn’t give you more than you can handle."

Susan would see this on the news and would send me a card with the following message, "Doug, try not to let your trials get you down. As you know, if God takes you to it, he will get you thorough it. Stay close to your faith and your belief that you are helping the animals. If you rely on God and trust in the plan he has for you, you will be victorious. I will pray for you. Susan."

When Susan came to the shelter to see me, I asked her why she wrote what she did. She told me, as I had assumed, that she saw the piece on the news and heard my comment about God. As Susan was talking with me, her eyes welled up as she reflected on her own personal trials, and said that she, "…would do anything that [I] needed from her if it meant that it would help keep me in Indy." Today, 8 months after receiving Susan's thoughtful and inspiring card, her card sits on my office desk two feet from my computer. It doesn't matter what city I live in, where I am working, or how old I am, Susan's card will always be close by. It means that much to me.

There are so many more 'letters' and 'emails' from people just like Susan and Mary who had such high hopes and watched as their hopes and dreams were shattered. But I'd also like to thank another group of people. A very small group of folks that took their eye off of the animals and moved away from their own mission for personal gain, and others that failed the employees they were charged with overseeing, only to give way to a political stranglehold that was self-serving at best, while others simply lost their way falling prey to human ego and sheltering ignorance easily overcome.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." (James 2-4)

It doesn’t matter if you have faith or not; the circumstances in James 2-4 can either make or break an individual. I could quote Shakespeare to Zig Ziglar on the subject of what "trials" do for someone’s character but not today. Today I can say unequivocally that am a better person than when I arrived in Indianapolis, and though the small group of people described earlier may find this hard to believe, I can now find peace and forgiveness in my heart to thank them for this gift.

I thank them for showing me just how much peace I truly had in my heart when times were anything but peaceful. For showing me just how courageous and focused I can remain when the walls around me are coming down. For allowing me to see just how much adversity I can handle and still smile at the end of each day. And for one lesson that they unknowingly taught me that I will cherish for the remainder of my life, and that the people who I work with, and the animals that I care for in the future will greatly benefit from.


For all of that, I am truly grateful. I only hope that one day the people who wrote me, the people that supported me, my managers who were systematically fired, my wife Lynn, and the vast majority of the Indianapolis community (and those living outside of the community) who watched this travesty unravel in front of them, can find peace and forgiveness within themselves to one day forgive them as well.

I sincerely hope that people in Indianapolis continue to fight the good battle on behalf of the animals and the people that honestly care, and that the vast majority of the community one day rallys together with an sense of honesty and collaboration void of human ego and singularity. When the day turns to night and the light at the end of the tunnel seems to have gone out, look deep within yourself and know that you have only begun. That it's for something far bigger than any one person, and with hard work, determination and passion, it truly can be done.

"More than anything else, what keeps a person going in the midst of any adversity is having a sense of purpose. It is the fuel that powers persistence." (John C. Maxwell)

Find that purpose and hold on to it tight. Millions of animals like these two depend upon it. 

Again, and with all my heart, I sincerely thank you for the unyielding support, and for everything that you do for the animals. 


Always in friendship and support,

Doug Rae